Faith
by Sakura Usagi
Summary: an essay of sorts I suppose, about the journey of faith.


Sakura Usagi A.N. This is just a.thing. I dunno essay I suppose? I call it Faith. It's first of a few of my musings about my faith and Christian religion and such  
  
FAITH  
  
I remember walking through the church as a child. My eyes wide at the beautiful things. I smiled at the priest as he spoke with conviction of Christ our savior who died to relieve the sins we were born with. God's only begotten son.  
  
Even then I wondered.  
  
Why was I not filled with such convictions? Why did God allow wars to happen? Had he turned away. Did he no longer care?  
  
As I grew these questions did. Soon I was eight years old and an intelligent child by any right. I knew of war from my father who was intrigues by world war two and the civil war. I brought a book to Church each Sunday and watched as my mother and sister listened to the priest with rapt eyes and open ears. I read fear street. My father did not come to church with us. Though I did not understand then, it was because he could no longer believe.  
  
At the age of ten I was at a high school reading level. I tore through books in hours and days instead of weeks. I looked around myself for proof of God's existence. Yearning to understand I undertook a great challenge. I would read the bible.  
  
I could not do it. It was my great failure. It could not enthrall me.  
  
At the age of thirteen I wondered ever more. Why did God allow war? Did he not advocate peace? If he was all knowing then why in his knowledge did he allow us to hurt and murder and rape and pillage? Did her hate us so?  
  
I graduated from public middle school to a private catholic all girls school. They taught us religion and my wonderings grew. They said God gave us free will but also that he was omniscent, omnipotent. Did this mean that he gave us free will simply so that we might hurt and murder and ape and pillage. Surely he knew it was coming. Why would he do such a thing?  
  
My faith in the catholic God crumbled so slowly. Breaking off in bits and pieces until there was little left. And still I fled to my books that spoke of faeries and witches and ogres. And then I came upon another religion.  
  
Wicca.  
  
Witchcraft.  
  
Paganism.  
  
The bible said it was evil. My religion classes called their Gods false idols that turned away from the one true God. An dyet they called to me. They spoke of a simpler religon. One that was not bogged down with the rules of day to day working. There was no book to read. No commandments that dictated the way I should live. A single pharse. "'an it harm none do as ye will"  
  
Slowly my views began to change. I was blossoming. Becoming who I am. I understood their values far better than I ever could the catholic ones. They believed in nature, and earth a God and a Goddess. Sharing power. There was no Heaven. No Hell. Just reincarnation. Their only punishment their own actions. And karma mayhaps.  
  
But still I faltered. Unerring in ym steps. Which way was right? One way let me live as my heart dictated. The other was safer though. Ah yes, I would be bound but I was guaranteed heaven whereas the other path gave no such warrantee on where I might end up should I leave this earth.  
  
At fifiteen I accepted that I was bisexual and here came another crossroad. With one path I could accept it fully, and it would be accepted in ym religion. Witchcraft. Wicca. Whatever name you place upon it.  
  
In the other. I could chose to ignore it, walk instead with hooded eyes at "the God". Whose way was the only way.  
  
I chose to walk where my heart dictated.  
  
And I came upon those who would ask me?  
  
Do you wish for hell? Has Satan taken you? Are you mad?  
  
And yea the questions turned to statements. And I who have never been free from ridicule due to behaviors that people who consider themselves "normal" find strange was confronted by whispers and bolder statements.  
  
You're evil  
  
Corrupted  
  
Dark  
  
But their words worked naught upon me. I have walked the line for far too long. Watched with rapt eyes as I attempted to understand the questions.  
  
Why does their God call me evil for walking te path that is right for me?  
  
Why does their God who can control all allow evil?  
  
He could stop Cancer  
  
Stop War  
  
And hate  
  
But he doesn't  
  
Why does he allow humans as a whole to destroy our erth  
  
Has he turned away  
  
Does he no longer listen  
  
Can he hear Susie's pleas to save her mother from Cancer?  
  
Does he hear Alejah crying as her daughter is killed in a suicide bombing?  
  
Was he there when the twin towers crashed?  
  
I asked those questions and tried to understand. To make that final decision.  
  
And I did  
  
I walked away from chrisitianity. Not because it is wrong. Or because their God does not exist. But because he never spoke to me. His presence never filled my heart. I walk the path of the lady becauseit is right for me. The Bible says to Love thy neighbor. And I do. Following that principle. And many things that Christians believe I believe. But there are differences. They believe because they rae told so, lest they burn forever in the pits of hellfire lorded over by Lucifer. He who thought to question their God. And I do so because I believe it to be right in my heart.  
  
I have walked the line of Sinner and follower for far too long. I made a choice. It was mine to make. And it needed to be made. Will you hate me for it? Or accept it.as I have?  
  
Faith is a journey for each person and without the journey you can never be  
sure it's all worth it. 


End file.
